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My new game: Random Threat!
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Xarkon
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 5:54 pm
   Subject: My new game: Random Threat!
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here is the stroyline for my new game-- Random Threat: Terror Trace
Please don't steal bits out of it or steal the whole thing! It's mine! I just want to see if U guys think it looks okay! It took about half an hour to write so excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes! It starts off boring, really boring but gets better when explaining the Mission, I think...

***** RANDOM THREAT : TERROR TRACE *****
By Joel Corrigan
You are Lex Antaries, a 26 year old man from the United States of America. You are an ex-Navy SEAL for the United States government, you worked as a SEAL for three years and succeded in most of your missions. You were knocked out from an explosion but you only remember some of that. You now work for the RTES (Random Threat Eliminator Squad), soon will be your first mission. You only recruited three weeks ago and have been training everyday for nine hours; shooting/target practice, stealth and how to use vehicles and weapons.
You wake up the morning of your first mission with a hot chic standing over you, you realise it's Ceiko your friend. Damn she's hot, "Hey Lex," she says with her usual soft and soothing voice, "We have to get ready to go!" she says quickly. You get out of bed, get dressed then walk with Ceiko to the mission briefing room.
You see your friend Jatom as you walk in. You all enter the door where two people already are seated, two soldiers named ***** and Zygot, you sit next to Ceiko and Zygot. "We are the RTES, the Random Threat Eliminator Squad! Remember that! Welcome, I want to thank you all for not pissing around like the other 42 cadets who attempted to train for this mission." Sorkan said disappointed in the ones who didn't make it through but proud of the three new cadets. "Who is the enemy?" Sorkan picked up a Remote control from the table and hit a few buttons to start a short film, "Yuri Romanov, a Russian Terrorist, accused of killing for sport and intel proves he plans to assasinate the President of the United States," he circled a picture of Yuri in red, "Your mission is to find Yuri in this bulding and asassinate him!" he clicked another button, to make a tall building by itself surrounded by snow and Mountains appear, "This is the first base we have found! We believe they have seven or eight bases with men who are highly wanted criminals, we must find and kill them." replied Sorkan seriously, he clicked another button on the remote to fast forward the film, the film brought up 7 different pictures, with different locations on them, one was in Hawaii and another in more mountain ranges. "One of you will you go through the main entrance and fight their way through to the top using elevators. The rest will do a drop rope tecnique, and secure the roof. Good luck and remeber you are probably the best of the RTES!"
All five of you recieve your equipment from the armoury and go to the munitions hangar too. You all fly in a huge jet which takes you to Russia's border wher you get into Black Hawk helicopters. You all prepare your weapons and clothes and say what maybe your final goodbyes to each other. You all wear the same dark grey clothes which allows flexiblity, it has pockets and gun holsters for all types of items such as extra ammunition and weapons. You all strap on your parachutes and have five minutes before you reach the Building in the place in Russia called Komsomolsk. "Alright, we are all going to draw the short straw to see who goes in through the main entrance." Zygot said deeply, "Everyone takes one!" Zygot took one for himself and then held out the straws in front of everyone. Everyone took a straw and measured theirs against everyone else's, You draw the short one! "Bugga!" you say calmly. Everyone gives you a hug and a Good luck and you jump out.
You feel the rush of wind against your goggles as dive directly downwards toward a Pine tree. It only last 12 seconds but you pull the cord on your parachute and hear a click and a WHOOSH of the parachute opening. PWAAM! You hear and see a few bullet shots coming towards you, you feel a bullet slide right past your hip, the heat of it burns but a few seconds later you reach the ground and hide so you are not detected. You detatch the parachute, roll it up into a ball and shove it under the tree where no one can see it. You watch your friends slide down the ropes from the Black Hawk and see lights from where shots are coming from. A second later you hear screams and hear the shots. The helicopter begins to fly away, RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!, it is shot down by artillery cannons! You decide to get in there and complete your mission quickly. You check your weapon and hold it out right ready to kill...


Sorry for making it so long too! I just ralised it takes up about three pages or more!!! here is the shortened story which goes in the main menu in "Read This!" menu thing...

You are Lex Antaries and work for the RTES (Random Threat Eliminator Squad). You and your team of four men and women are ready to protect The world from Random threats. All five of you together are the most destructive ghost team! Your current mission is to infiltrate a Russian base and asassinate Yuri Romanov, a Russian mad man who kills for sport and has put a price on the President of the United States of America's head. Will this be your Ultimate fight ever?

U like it??? U better!!! oh well if it sux please tell me!!! thanx from Joel Corrigan

I edited it... hey, Reivax, I edited it and took out a lot of "unneccasarry" waste! K? kooL!
Pizza Arrow Sick Arrow Embarassed Arrow Pizza

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Last edited by Xarkon on Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:08 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:00 pm
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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Not bad, Joel...

Since this is just your draft storyline then, you will be hoping to clear up a lot of things, I presume, before you actually use it in a TC?

First of all, the word "you" is way over used... Try starting sentences with a different word, that will give you the same meaning.

Too many exclamation marks... If you want a gripping story then, you will have to stop using exclamation points all the time... Personally, if I started reading that, as I did, and saw all of the exclamation points right at the start of a story, it would me, the reader, completely off finishing the story. Why? Lack of diversity - Use your imagination in creative writing. When I saw that story I thought of someone doing a bad impersonation of the Wolfenstein 3d story (different events but, attempt at same type of style).

There are other things which I will not elaborate on here.

@ Xarkon. My criticisms may seem quite harsh but, you did say to tell you whether it was any good or it just "sux"! Your storyline is a very long way from being pathetic but, you must also clean up a lot of "useless" waste.

I hope to see further elaboration on your part of this story line... Continue on with the good work!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:11 am
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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I will be updating the story (Good copy) up here soon! I have nearly rewritten it!

@Reivax = I have taken out "Unnecissary waste" as you said and changed all the tenses! Such as: instead of "You" all the time, it's now Lax or the team and Lax or He does or he goes... Okay??

kooL!!!

Joel Corrigan

will b up soon!!!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2004 12:30 am
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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here's the new story. Im only posting it again so people read the new one. (It doesnt show up new if you edit it)
Sorry it's so long!

You are Lax Arteries, a 26 year old male from the United States of America. You're an ex-Navy SEAL, who has now been upgraded to a high ranking Captain at the RTES; Random Threat Eliminator Squad.

Lax wakes up to the morning sunlight shining in his face and a chic standing over him. He realizes it's his best friend Ceiko. "Hey Lax," she says softly, "Wot up? We have to get ready for mission briefing in an hour!"
Lax gets up, showers and dresses, then walks with Ceiko. Soon they walk with Jatom, another friend on the Squad. All three of them enter the Mission briefing room.
Two people are already seated. Yasma the Asian chic! The typical Asian Jackie Chan style fighter. Yasma taught herself three martial arts as a child and learnt two others after. The other person seated in the room was a black man named Zygot. Regarded by many as a war junkie, Zygot loves to waste all his ammunition in one go! He was kicked out of the US army for disobeying orders and killing hundreds at a time with two MP40s and a knife.
Commander General Sorkan walked into the room with a Coffee, a CD and a remote controller. "Welcome! I'd like to thank you for coming today and training hard!" said Sorkan drinking his coffee. "Your mission should you choose to accept it, is to eliminate this mad man: Yuri Romanov, a Russian Drug Baron accused of putting a price on the President of the United States of America's head!"
Sorkan hit a button on the remote to bring up a picture of Yuri Romanov. Yuri was bald with only a small amount of hair on the right of his head, he had a mechanical red eye and was holding a large weapon. "We believe he is in some east Russian alps, Komsomolsk." Sorkan said, he changed the picture to a Snowy mountain with a singular skyscraper, "Where do you come in? Here: Three are going to slide down ropes from Black hawk helicopters onto the roof and secure it so no-one can escape, two other are going to do a Halo jump from the helicopters and parachute about 50 metres down. Easy enough! The parachuters will flush Yuri out to the top where the three others will make the frag!" Sorkan said matter of factly.
Yasma drew a handgun and aimed it steadily at the door. A second later a woman entered and told them they could receive their equipment.
The squad received their equipment from the munitions hangar, they are all loaded with plenty of lightweight equipment. They board a Jet shortly after, by then it was nearing night time.
The Jet is flown to Komsomolsk, eastern Russia. The squad get off the plane and board Black hawk helicopters. On the hawks, the squad gear up in to thier uniforms. It's a black shirt with a tight gray coat, still allowing maximum flexibility. They wear either gray pants or green camouflage pants.
The plan is once again revised; Ceiko, Jatom and Yasma will do a rope slide on to the roof and secure the helipads so Yuri or no one else could escape. Zygot and Lex would do a Halo jump from the helicopters and parachute at about 50 meters. They would then fight their way to the top and flush out Yuri where he would be fragged. It was fool proof!!
Zygot and Lax strapped on their parachutes and goggles then jumped head first. They felt the rush of wind against their goggles and face. It was so fast, they had already fallen a quarter of the way.
Lax and Zygot both pulled their rip cords making their bodies swing up. Then they both saw it: about eight flashes of light! That meant one thing in war: DUCK!! The bullets skimmed past their ever so fast reflexes. Then more lights appeared, this time they weren't so fast. One of the bullets struck Zygot's parachute, it deflated and fell. With total luck, Zygot took off his parachute and grabbed onto Lax's leg. A few bullets skimmed past Lax's body, "ARGHH!!!!" he screams in pain of the burning sensation of his skin.
They both jump onto the cool snow and begin to run west, toward the skyscraper. Zygot and Lax both load their weapons and watch in the near distance, the Black hawks drop their team. The birds begin to fly away but an artillery cannon implanted on the mountains finds it first...
"RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT... BAOOMM!!!", it explodes with a large flash of light and smoke.
"Zygot, you're going to get up to the top and give sniper cover with the delta team" says Lax,
"I'm gonna help you man! I'm not staying out here!" replies Zygot with a worried look on his face,
"You're going to be more help out here! Snipe any men who attempt to use the artillery cannons, copy?"
"Copy Captain!" replies Zygot with a determined expression.

Zygot hails the other Hawk and gives the thumbs up as Lax enters the skyscraper holding out his handgun.


Nice eh??

Joel Corrigan Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2004 1:21 pm
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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Xarkon, here is a revision of the first half of your story. Tell me what you think. I'm not trying to upstage you, just trying to help.

Lax snaps open his eyes and thrusts out his arm at the looming shadow over top of him. He grabs a wrist and slams his foot down on the body. Quickly, he throws open the blinds to let in the warm sunlight and reveal his opponent. To his surprise its his best friend, and confidante Ceiko. He eases off of her and blushes.

“Sorry Ceiko, bad dream I guess.”

“S’ok,” flipping over she wraps her legs around his ankles and knocks him to the floor with a scissor kick.

“I guess I had that one coming.”

Her lips spread into a seductive smile and she bats a wink at him. “Get up we need to be in the mission briefing room or the general will have our asses. Get in the shower!”

“I think I’ll have a cold one,” Lax says sarcastically.

The Briefing room is tight, and the occupants are the worst of the worst. That’s exactly what the General is paying them for. Yasma is seated on the far end. She is a sleek Shaolin assassin who is self taught in tiger claw kung fu and kali knife fighting among others. Zygot is perched beside her. His skin is as black as leather, and he is covered from head to toe with gashes and wounds. Regarded by many as a war junkie, Zygot never met a pile of ammunition he couldn’t waste in 2 hours! He was dishonorably discharged for his massacre of 42 allied soldiers with one knife. Ryder, Zygot’s seat mate, is picking his teeth with a knife. Finally, lounging at the end with his arm hanging on the corner of the chair is Jatom. His grizzly face hides his satanic grin. No one knows too much about Jatom, and he likes to keep it that way.

General Sorkan strides into the room with clutching a steaming Coffee in one hand. "Attention! You meatballs are the most dangerous delinquent soldiers I ever laid my eyes on! You were all chose for you criminalistic attributes. You are all lucky to have your worthless hides saved from the wrong end of a firing squad, but if you fail to comply to my standards you will all be going home in saran wrap! Is that clear?" Sorkan finishes by sloshing down his coffee like a shot of whiskey and crushing the Styrofoam cup between his massive fingers.

YES SIR,” everyone shouts!

"You are all on a dangerous mission. You are all aware of the risk! Feel free to back out if you don’t think you can handle it! I only want determined soldiers!"

Ryder confidently steps up. “Sir, do not wish to be a part of this pointless conquest. I have much higher qualifications then these low lives. I wish to be relieved of duty sir.”

“As you wish soldier,” Sorkan raises a pistol and pops two shots in Ryder’s head. “Is there anyone else?” There is no response. “Good.”

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2004 1:12 am
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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Ringman wrote:
Tell me what you think.


Okay, I think it is heaps good, I love it more than mine!! If it's okay with you, I might use this instead of some of mine. I will credit you and change a bit of it of course!! but I will use this if that's okay with you. Thankyou.

Ringman wrote:
I'm not trying to upstage you, just trying to help.


Yeah I know. Once again Thankyou!!

Joel Corrigan Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2004 8:22 am
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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You can use it. That's what I wrote it for.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2004 7:30 pm
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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Here's what I think should be a final copy. PLease feel free to critisise it constructively!!

You are Lax Arteries, a 26 year old male from the United States of America. You're an ex-Navy SEAL, who has now been upgraded to a high ranking Captain at the RTES; Random Threat Eliminator Squad. You know your mission but have reminded yourself every detail everynight since you were assigned the mission four nights ago.Assasinate Yuri Romanov, a Russian Drug Baron accused of putting a price on the President of the United States of America's head. Simply run in and kill a few dozen attackers then frag Yuri at the top somewhere without letting him escape on the helipads. Delta snipers will cover the roof, along with half of Lax's squad. "Tomorrow, tommorow night, my fate will be decided. Die or Live." said Lax with a sigh. He lies down on his bed and closes his eyes thinking about what his new squad would look like. Now that he had been upgraded to a Captain, he expected them all to be mucho men and women, that knew how to shoot enemies behind them while kicking people's butts while hopping on one foot. It would be perfect...
Lax snaps open his eyes and thrusts out his arm at the looming shadow over the top of him. He grabs their wrist and slams his foot down on the body. Quickly, he throws open the blinds to let in the warm sunlight and reveal his opponent. To his surprise its his best friend Ceiko. He releases his grip from her and blushes. "Sorry Ceiko, bad dream I guess." said Lax, "That's okay dude," she flips over and makes a backflip upwards. She walks toward him then pushes him onto the bed, followed by her body landing on top of his. "I guess I had that coming, eh?." said Lax. Ceiko's lips spread into a seductive smile. "Get up, we need to be in the mission briefing room, or the general will gouge out our eyes!!" Ordered Ceiko "I think I’ll have a shower now," Lax says as he gets up with Ceiko clinging to him.
The Briefing room is tight, and the occupants are the worst of the worst. That’s exactly what the General is paying them for. Yasma is seated on the far end, she is a sleek Shaolin assassin who is self taught in tiger claw kung-fu, kali knife fighting among other deadly martial arts. Zygot is perched beside her, his skin is as dark as leather, and he is covered from head to toe with gashes and wounds. Regarded by many as a war junkie, Zygot never met a pile of ammunition he couldn’t waste in under 2 hours! He was dishonorably discharged for his massacre of 13 allied soldiers with one knife. Ryder, Zygot’s seat mate, is picking his breakfast from his teeth with a knife. Finally, lounging at the end with his arm hanging on the corner of the chair is Jatom. His frizzy hair covers his expresionless face. No one knows too much about Jatom, his life was a mystery to all. Ceiko and Lax approach their chairs but are stopped by the booming "SHUT UP and listen!"
General Sorkan strides into the room clutching a steaming Coffee in one hand. "All of you are total lsoer and would be dead if it weren't for me, so you owe your country for your stupidity and you owe me. You were all chose for you criminalistic attributes. You are all lucky to have your worthless hides saved from the other end of the firing squad, but if you fail to comply with my standards, I swear, if you reach home alive, I will see it my personal job to kill you! Is that clear?" Sorkan finishes by throwing his coffee down his throat like a shot of whiskey and crushing the Styrofoam cup between his massive fingers. "YES SIR," everyone shouts. "You are all about to take on a dangerous mission. You are all aware of the risk! Feel free to back out if you don’t think you can handle it! I only want determined soldiers, you're gonna die one way or the other!" Ryder confidently steps up. "Sir, do not wish to be a part of this pointless conquest. I have much higher qualifications then these low lifes. I wish to be relieved of duty SIR. I don't care if I die, but not on some crap ass mission like this one" "As you wish soldier," Sorkan said more hushed than before, He raises his pistol and pops a shot in Ryder’s head. "Is there anyone else?" asks Sorkan glowering at the remaining RT squad, there is no response. "Good, follow me please."
The squad followed Sorkan. They received their equipment from the munitions hangar and loaded them or set them up. They put on their uniform, board a jet shortly after, and by then it was nearing night time. The Jet was flown to Komsomolsk, eastern Russia. The squad depart the plane and board Black hawk helicopters. On the hawks, the squad gear up in to thier uniforms. It's a black shirt with a tight gray coat, still allowing maximum flexibility. They wear either gray pants or green camouflage pants. The plan is once again revised; Ceiko, Jatom and Yasma will do a rope slide on to the roof and secure the helipads so Yuri or no one else could escape. Zygot and Lex would do a Halo jump from the helicopters and parachute at about 30 meters down, dangerous but effective. The final moves would be fighting their way to the top and flush out Yuri where he would be fragged. It was fool proof!!
Zygot and Lax strapped on their parachutes, goggles then jumped and aligned themselves into head first position. They felt the rush of wind against their goggles and face. It was so fast, they had already fallen a quarter of the way. Lax and Zygot both pulled their rip cords making their bodies swing up. Then they both saw it: about eight flashes of light! That meant one thing in war: DUCK!! The bullets skimmed past their ever so fast reflexes. Then more lights appeared, this time they weren't so fast. One of the bullets struck Zygot's parachute, it deflated and fell. With total luck, Zygot took off his parachute and grabbed onto Lax's leg. A few bullets skimmed past Lax's body, "ARGHH!!!!" he screams in pain as the burning sensation eats into his skin.
They both jump onto the cool snow and begin to run west, toward the skyscraper. Zygot and Lax both load their weapons and watch in the near distance, the Black hawks drop their team. The birds begin to fly away but an artillery cannon implanted on the mountains finds it first... "RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT...
BAOOMM!!!", it explodes with a large flash of light and smoke. "At least it did'nt have the team or Delta team in. Okay, Zygot, you're going to get up to the top and give sniper cover with the delta team" says Lax, "I'm gonna help you man! I'm not staying out here!" replies Zygot with a worried look on his face,"You're going to be more help out here! Snipe any men who attempt to use the artillery cannons, copy?" "Copy Captain!" replies Zygot with a determined expression. Lax hails the other Hawk and gives the thumbs to Lax as he enters the skyscraper holding out his handgun.

Joel Corrigan Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 10:01 am
   Subject: Re: My new game: Random Threat!
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It's ok, but why did you drop the actual mission briefing scene that you had in the original. Now Sorkan doesn't explain what the mission is that they are going on. I think you should put that scene in right after the intro of the characters and their seats and right before he tells them all they are all worthless losers, which you spelled wrong.

Eye cane ott misp ell a neat thing core ectle E!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:03 pm
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Hey RingMan, okay I explained the Mission "briefly" at the start when Lax goes to sleep. He revises and stuff. That's not gonna be the final copy, That's probably the third to last. I'll make soem more adjustments to what I'm doing now, then ask you and other dudes, then I will show you the hopefully final story.

With te spelling errors, My puter suxxxxxx, for being able to see the writing, no it's not me, and I don't need glasses, my puter monitor just sux $#!+.

Yeah...

Joel Corrigan Smile

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