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BJ Blazkowicz - a new tale!
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AReyeP
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2003 11:31 pm
   Subject: BJ Blazkowicz - a new tale!
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Seeing this section had no messages, I decided to add a quick BJ tale of my own Smile

THE INFILTRATION...

BJ knew he had to infiltrate the castle to retrieve the plans for the Nazi's top secret "Wespe" experimental fighter plane, but his traditional method of infiltration (run & gun) would be too risky here. He was hopelessly outnumbered. Another method would be required. How? How in blazes was he going to find a way in? Where there was a will, there was a way...

Lying low in the foothills overlooking the castle, he'd spent the past few days observing the movements of nazi personnel in and around the castle environs. And then he found what he believed would present him with a window of opportunity...

One of the female servants working in the castle resided in a small cottage just outside the castle's exterior walls. Each morning she would enter the castle via the main entrance, giving the nazi guards a warm smile as she entered and flashing a little of her upper thigh to them in the process. It struck BJ that the guards would never check her id as she entered - they were too preoccupied with the view of her sumptuous thigh.

At the rear of this cottage was a clothes line. The servant girl would often hang items of her clothing out on it of a morning and leave it drying during the day. An idea formulated in BJ's mind...

Cautiously making his way down the hillside towards the cottage, BJ managed to slip around to the rear of the cottage without being detected. An assortment of frocks and frilly undergarments adorned the clothes line. Working quickly, BJ stashed his own clothing into a clump of nearby bushes and disguised himself in the garb of a French maid. A clump of hay from the nearby barn on top of his head would suffice as hair. With the guise complete, it was now time to put his daring plan into action...

Walking boldly towards the main castle entrance, he gave the nazi guards a quick smile and a wink of his eye. Alas, the look he received from them was not one of desire, but of seeming curiosity. Damn!!! He'd forgotten to shave! Covering his chin with the palm of his left hand, he prepared to speak in what he hoped was a feminine sounding voice, praying that the guards had not had time to notice the stubble on his chin.

"Oh boys, don't you know it's so impolite to stare at a girl that way"? whispered BJ in a croaky, almost feminine, voice.

One of the guards approached. "Your id card please frauline", he asked.

Uh oh. BJ hadn't expected this. Curses. Maybe he should have taken the time to break into the cottage and use a little mascara and lipstick. Too late now. Quick thinking was required. He thought of what the servant girl did each day, and pulled the left side of his skirt up to reveal a decent eyeful of his thigh.

The guard looked. And then looked away. Motioning wildly with a swing of his right arm, he ranted "In, you cow! Get in before you make me sick!"

As BJ hastily made his way in through the castle gates, almost tripping as his high heels caught in the uneven surface of the bitumen below, he overheard the guard behind comment to his comrades, in between raucous rounds of laughter, "I know Herr Hauffmann's eyesight is failing him, but either it's a lot worse than I thought, or his tastes in women are not what they used to be"!

Quickly making his way over to the building housing the mess hall, BJ found the rear entrance leading into the kitchen. Luck was with him - no one was around. He had to think of a way to get up to the Kommandant's quarters. This would be where the plans for the "Wespe" would be. An idea came to him. Hastily he prepared a tray with items of food from the pantry, and a bottle of what appeared to be fine wine he'd found in one of the kitchen cupboards...

Carrying the tray in one hand, and with his other hand covering the stubble on his chin, BJ made his way past countless snickering Nazi guards towards the Kommandant's Quarters. Each time a guard would look in his direction, BJ would offer a sickly smile and sing "my heart for the Kommandant, my thigh for you"; the general result was of the guard's faces turning a deeper green than their Werhmacht uniforms, and BJ found that by using this tactic he could continue on his way unimpeded.

Finally he reached the Kommandant's quarters.

"Oh Herr Kommandant..." he sang out while knocking on the door, his croaky, partly feminine voice akin to that of someone scraping their finger nails along the surface of a chalkboard. "I have some treats here for you..."

The door opened. A burly red eyed hulk of a man stared BJ in the face. BJ wondered - why did all these boss enemies have to be so damned huge?

"Frauline!" barked the Kommandant. BJ almost fell backwards. The man's breath reeked of alcohol - the Kommandant had obviously hit the schnapps the previous night, and judging by his present state the "previous night" had dragged on until the early hours of the morning...

"My dear frauline," growled the Kommandant, "you look ravaging"! Grabbing BJ by the arm, the Kommandant pulled him into his room, grabbing the bottle of wine from the tray in the process and allowing the tray and the food thereon to crash to the floor.

"Don't worry about the food, my dear frauline! We don't need to eat! First we drink, then, we have - DESSERT!!!"

BJ hadn't planned on this. He decided on drastic action. Executing a deadly manouevre designed to kill with a single blow, BJ struck the Kommandant on the side of the neck. The Kommandant's head spun to the side, but then turned back, staring BJ straight in the face with an almighty grin.

"Oooh, you ARE a lively one"! laughed the Kommandant. "Herr Haufmann promised me a lively one weeks ago. Finally he has delivered the goods"!!!

Realising a physical attack wasn't going to work, BJ knew he had to think quickly before the Kommandant performed his own style of physical attack on an unwilling BJ. Given that the Kommandant had already quaffed most of the bottle of wine, and subsequently his reasoning (and taste in women) had deteriorated even further, BJ knew he had to get the plans for the Wespe, and quickly!

"Oooh Kommandant" sighed BJ, "you know what really excites me"?

The Kommandant looked BJ in the eyes, and then grinned. "How about this" he asked, before landing a drunken kiss firmly on BJ's lips.

To BJ's credit, he avoided the urge to throw up, and pushed the Kommandant away. Fluttering his eyelids in a seductive fashion as best he could, BJ looked at the Kommandant and said "that kind of thing can come later, you cheeky devil, you! But what really excites me is an intelligent man. The kind of man who uses his brains to win a war. The kind of man who is so intelligent that his government entrusts him with secrets crucial to success. But, Herr Kommandant, I don't know if you are really that kind of man. Unless, of course, you could prove it to me..."

The Kommandant paused for a while. And then his eyes lit up. "Ahhh yes, dear frauline, I can prove it indeed!" Rushing over to an adjoining room, the Kommandant made his way to a safe, and given his drunken state, miraculously managed to use the correct combination to open it.

"Look here, frauline," proclaimed the Kommandant with glee. "You see? Secret plans. Entrusted to me. Are you not impressed?"

"Oooh, Herr Kommandant, may I have a look?"

The Kommandant shoved the plans down the front of BJ's blouse, and, leaning close to BJ's face, whispered "My goodness, dear frauline. We have lost the plans. Now we must find them. Thankfully, I think I know where they are..."! The alcoholic fumes emanating from the Kommandant's mouth caused BJ to feel faint, and as the room begun to spin, he felt his conciousness slipping away...

The next week, BJ presented the plans for the top secret "Wespe" to the leader of Allied High Command.

"BJ! Incredible! Only you could have succeeded where others would surely have failed! Tell me, BJ, how did you do it? This surely is a tale worth telling"!

BJ's face turned a slight red as he rose from his chair. "The world has enough stories of my heroics, sir. I don't think they need another".

As BJ walked awkwardly out of the office, the Allied High Commander commented "You're hobbling, BJ! You haven't been injured, have you?! I hope they didn't torture you, did they? Either way, I know you would have taken it like a man"!

But we won't discuss how BJ took it at all, after all, as you and I know, this is one story of BJ Blazkowicz we don't really need to tell...

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2003 3:29 am
   Subject: Re: BJ Blazkowicz - a new tale!
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Ha ha that was great. (and disturbing) Laughing

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2003 5:15 am
   Subject: Re: BJ Blazkowicz - a new tale!
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Nice story there AReyeP! Herr Kommandant kinda reminds me of Fat Bastard on Austin Powers; remember when Felicity Shagwell had to probe him? haha. The way this whole story of yours was arranged was awesome, and all the funny details made everything fit together great. There's a few things I guess I'll have to leave to my imagination, like the whole section where BJ loses all conciousness (man, how it all ended up the next week really makes you wonder! lol), and if operation "Wespe" was a metaphor for something else (perhaps relating to BJ's interesting feminane encounters?) - but I guess these kind of mysteries are what great stories are all about; right? Mr Green

Somehow, for some strange reason, I knew that if anyone would have made a story like this... it would have been you Steve - lol! And, just for the record, I didn't find this tale of yours the least bit disturbing. Wink Guess now would be a good time for me to say that my favorite colour is Pink! Don't think I'll go into the details about that one - just ask some of my "girlfriends" and I'm sure they'll have some interesting stories for you... Haha.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2003 4:49 pm
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AReyeP wrote:


...He thought of what the servant girl did each day, and pulled the left side of his skirt up to reveal a decent eyeful of his thigh.

The guard looked. And then looked away. Motioning wildly with a swing of his right arm, he ranted "In, you cow! Get in before you make me sick!"



Laughing LOL

...HOW did BJ forget to shave? HOW?
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2003 3:51 am
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That's classic!! Laughing
You should write a book. 'Twould be most amusing. You could call it:

The Lost (for good reason) Adventures of BJ Blazkowicz

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2003 1:08 am
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Chris wrote:
and if operation "Wespe" was a metaphor for something else (perhaps relating to BJ's interesting feminane encounters?)


Actually the "Wespe" was an actual secret aircraft that Heinkel were working on. I took it from a couple of books I've been reading - the first is called "Lost Talons of the Eagle", which covers all the incredible secret aircraft the Germans were working on before and during the war (some are amazingly modern looking), and the second is called "Blue Fires" by the same author, which covers the flying discs the Germans were working on, and which are the most likely explanation for things such as Roswell and for so many of the UFO sightings that have occurred since the end of the war.

Y'know, it strikes me as kind of funny how so many WW2 operations seemed to involve stealing stuff from the Germans. I guess it wasn't that the allies were so clever technology wise, they just made better thieves Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2003 1:16 am
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That Story Is Kind Of Sick,But Funny At The Same Time. Mr Green Like Those South Park And Simpsons Cartoons.Very Funny Stuff. Laughing
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2003 12:00 pm
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That's a very good story Areyep. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:47 am
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It's A Bloody Good Story.But If They Make A Movie Off Of It,I Would After Kill Myself.
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:50 am
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Why the hell are you using capital letters on the start of every word? Shocked Not Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2003 10:48 pm
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Martin wrote:
Why the hell are you using capital letters on the start of every word? Shocked Not Happy


Sorry.Bad Habit.
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 8:53 am
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Annoying one. Mad

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:48 pm
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I don't have any bad habits... <flicks booger>

So B.J. Got Fuc ked Up The Ass Eh? Pretty Sick.
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